.Please have in mind that this is how I felt at the beginning of my pregnancy; however my feelings and thoughts have changed and now I'm extremely happy to welcome my new bundle.
As far as I can remember I knew I didn’t want kids. Aside from the responsibility that it entitles I felt that motherhood would not be a good role for me. To be honest I knew something was different weeks before I took the pregnancy test. I was extremely tired, I had some strange cravings and I felt that my body was changing in ways I have never experienced before. I honestly thought it was just pre-lady days symptoms. I finally decided to take a test just to take the doubt out of my mind. During my lunch hour I bought a test and the results was blank, believe it or not the pregnancy test did not give me a Yes or No answer. I decided to take it once more once I got home and there it was, two horizontal lines which meant only one thing ‘positive’. Daniel was on the phone with me and all I did was cry. I bundle myself up in his recliner and I cried until he got home (I made him buy another pregnancy test because I needed to be 100% sure). I took it once more and it was positive again. I honestly did not know that a human being can experience so many emotions at once. Aside from crying I felt anger, confusion, stress, happiness, back to crying, anxiety, sadness, distress; well you name it, I felt them all! No one prepares you for this, especially if it’s not a planned pregnancy. At that point in time only two people knew, Daniel & Jessica and I must thank them from the bottom of my heart for all their support, love and unconditional patience. The same week I found out about my pregnancy I started bleeding and it was then when an enormous amount of guilt took over me and I felt as if I had provoked this! I decided to make a doctor’s appointment (which was going to be 2 weeks away!!!) The day finally came and Jessica went with me, upon arrival they give you all sorts of paper work to fill out and once you are done they take you inside. I saw a big monitor, a rope, three chairs and a very big scary room (at least from my point of view). The doctor arrived and she was extremely sweet, I told her about my medical history (cysts) the bleeding, my anxiety and everything and anything that I could think of. She prep me emotionally and mentally for two things 1)seeing the baby 2)hearing the heartbeat. As soon as she began the examination it took less than a minute to find the baby (which by the way was the tiniest thing I have ever seen in my life) sadly enough I didn’t express any emotions. She warned me before taking the 2nd step, which was the heartbeat. It was right then and there when I broke down into tears. This emotion, which I can’t describe, took over me and all I could do was cry, not out of sadness but because the baby had such a strong and powerful heartbeat. Jessica and I cried together (even on our drive home we were crying like little girls, it was a perfect bonding moment) Going back to the heartbeat, as soon as I heard that fast beat I knew right then and there that I was going to become a mom. My anxiety, sadness, anger, everything went away and I felt a sudden amount of ease take over my body. Telling the story to Daniel was a great experience because he cried as well. Is the first time I see him get teary eye, it was perfection! I eventually told my parents, I bought them a postcard that read CONGRATS, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU and I wrote “Yes, happy that for the 1st time in your life you are going to become a grandpa/grandma” and I put a pair of baby booties inside. It was sweet, my dad celebrated by giving me a hug and drinking a beer and my mom cried out of happiness. We told our friends once we had seen the doctor for a 2nd time and she told us everything looked healthy. To say the least it was a very emotional month but I thank Jehovah, my husband and my family for their unconditional support and we are patiently waiting for the little pea to arrive. I know for a fact that the baby will be loved & spoiled by our families and friends and that makes me very happy.
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